Thursday, November 19, 2009

Again, he is just funny

Here is my Boss' latest email about the garbage can (Note these are actual images he is capturing to send to us):

From: Tom XXXXX
To: All
Subject: Although a noble attempt.....

Adding a bag on top of the bag doesn't actually count. The garbage can is still full and will need to be emptied...this does receive a "Positive Effort" award though..

Monday, November 16, 2009


I am home from my dreamy journey with Leonard Cohen. Everyone has been asking me how it went and honestly I feel there are no words to adequately describe just how great and beautiful it was. He was majestic and soothing and everything I knew he would be. I fell just a little bit more in love with him than I was before. Beth and I had a wonderful time. And with the exception of a few flight seating issues it went perfectly. I had purchased the concert tickets months in advance, but was never quite sure where we were to sit because the provided map left little to be desired. I had a guesstimate and they were fare seats. Imagine our surprise when we handed our tickets to the doorman and he walked us to the very front of the concert hall and sat us on the fourth row back. We FREAKED out. We were a mere 20 feet from Mr. Cohen and his sweet humble self the whole night. I was even more surprised to discover that I have never really heard music played as it should be before this concert. I don’t know if it was the hall we were in, or if this was the first time that I experienced an entire band of flawless musicians, but whatever it was I can say now, to hear good music played by talented people in the right atmosphere leaves your mouth on the floor and heart souring in the air. All these concerts later and this was really my first. It was spiritual and healing and lovely. We heard every chord, every crisp strum, it was just amazing. Of course reality shattered me to a wakeful state almost as soon as we re-entered Salt Lake. I am proud to say that I returned to my life kicking my feet and screaming bloody murder into my cell phone. My adolescent protest availed me nothing. I wish I had a couple of pictures to throw up here, but I was scared that if I brought my camera they would take it away. Beth, however was more brave than I (as usual) and got a lot of pictures and even some video, thank goodness. It couldn’t have been better…well I did spill Beth’s $10.00 glass of wine in her lap at one point, but I was hardly the one to suffer from this incident. This was a Major item on the ol’ bucket list and now I can successfully place a check mark next to the name Leonard Cohen.

Ahhh people who understand

Monday, November 9, 2009

Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash.
-Leonard Cohen

3 Days Left people!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The Dream Wreaker

My X boyfriend is like a curse that will never let up! I broke up with him two years ago and I am still being called by him, at work no less, to be whispered sweet nothings that make me throw up a little bit in my mouth. And that is not the worst part. I SWEAR every time he calls (monthly/semi-monthly) the rest of the day is cursed. All current dreams for my future seem to be destroyed. What ever I am working on for my life seems to be annihilated. Its like the fates of X boyfriends past telling me that I will never really get away and find the happiness I seek. Well, at least when he finally flips out and murders me (because he is psycho like that), he will no longer be able to be the wreaker and destroyer of all my small dreams.

”I have been away so long that disappearing is how I become noticeable.”
-Leonard Cohen

Thursday, October 29, 2009

“I showed my heart to the doctor, he said I just have to quit, then he wrote himself a prescription and your name was mentioned in it.”
– Leonard Cohen

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Prayer is translation. A man translates himself into a child asking for all there is in a language he has barely mastered.
- Leonard Cohen

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

For Beth

The last refuge of the insomniac is a sense of superiority to the sleeping world.
-Leonard Cohen

Monday, October 26, 2009

When in Idaho

On Saturday Beth, Isaac and I drove to Idaho for a lovely day at Nichole and Larry’s cabin. What a fun day. We went for a walk, rode on four wheelers, shot guns, and made Hobo dinners in a darling little grove at the bottom of a hill. Beth bought me a bottle of Idaho potato lotion and on the way back through ‘town’ I grabbed another. I super love Idaho potato lotion. If you want silky smooth skin, trust me, it’s the way to go. I don’t know if it actually performs miraculous moisturizing, but it does make your skin as smooth as you’d image carbohydrates are. So next time your in Idaho, give it a try, or else you can borrow a pump of mine!

"My interest in this pack of failures betrays my character."
— Leonard Cohen (Beautiful Losers)

Friday, October 23, 2009

Suprise!! You are Choking

Surprise is always followed by a secondary emotion.
“Surprise!!!” it’s your birthday, is followed by elation.
“Surprise” you’re mother is dead, is followed by devastation.
One time I choked on a piece of popcorn and it was powerfully surprising. The secondary emotion was subtle and unexciting I think it was slight appreciation. Appreciation that I had not died or perhaps escaped the need to make a public scene, as it happened in a theatre. I am glad that in my life I have felt Surprise-Appreciation….but I hope I don’t feel it again.

"I have often prayed for you.
Like this
"Let me have her""
-Leonard Cohen

Thursday, October 22, 2009

"My reputation as a ladies' man was a joke that caused me to laugh bitterly through the ten thousand nights I spent alone."
—Leonard Cohen

The wakeup

Up at 4:00am and as I stumble through the darkness of the bathroom, eyes still closed but trying hard to open, I step on my curling irons plug that just so happens to be extending out to the middle of the floor. There was screaming. I am not going to say it was "the worst thing" I am just going to say, it was pretty bad.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

"As our eyes grow accustomed to sight they armor themselves against wonder."
-Leonard Cohen

Mourning the Glitter

When I was young, I thought that movie and TV stars were the classiest, prettiest, most magical people alive. I am pretty sure they were not, but the point is they were able to make it ‘look’ like they were. I fear that something has happened to Hollywood in the last decade that makes the glamorous seem desperate and classless. Either it’s me losing my ability to see the magic, or all the Glamour that was Ginger Rogers and Audrey Hepburn is gone.
Now days we have cheap reality TV stars, Kramer who freaks out with racial insults during standup, Mel Gibson who has decided to become an angry anti-Semitic drunk, and Brad Pitt who seems to me to be obsessed with being with the prettiest girl in Hollywood, who ever that may be at the moment. The classless Kardashian’s, Jon and Kate’s horrible public divorce, and Paris’ ability to be famous for being famous are just sad examples of what I am talking about.
Then we have that small group of individuals who are trying to jump on the Reality TV celebrity bandwagon and what a group they are turning out to be! With the lovely OctoMom, and now the balloon boy incident I am wondering what Reality TV is doing to Hollywood’s image.
There are still some shiny stars out there; I think Beyonce handles herself well. Maria Cary is still sprinkled with glitter; we still have Nicole Kidman and Queen Latifah, Anne Hathaway and Will Smith. My point is something seems to be dying in Hollywood. Its losing its appeal and it’s a little sad. Is it technology? We still have all the TV media sources, plus now we are in constant contact with the sometimes trashy news sources that are on line. Also all these stars are suddenly on Facebook and Twitter, they are writing blogs and putting their ‘real’ selves out there. We think we want to know the real celebs but when we find out they are human and flawed just like us, it’s a little disappointing, at least it is for me. I want them to remain magical. Like the YouTube rap video about why Miley Cyrus is no longer on Twitter, is a perfect example of why Miley Cyrus should never be on Twitter or anything else that puts her in the public eye without a PR manager monitoring. Not that I thought a whole lot of her beforehand.
Maybe it’s just the caliber of person that ‘we’ want to watch these days. Maybe Hollywood didn’t lose its glitter; maybe it’s the public who have become tasteless.
I feel bad for talking like this. I know they are human beings. I don’t mean to imply that they should never mess up, I just think they should attempt to be more discrete about it. And I wonder how much of it has to do with an addiction to their own celebrity? While trying to get more attention, do they end up losing the sparkle that makes us love them in the first place?

Monday, October 19, 2009

Funny little baby

"Never make a decision when you need to pee."
- Leonard Cohen

Thursday, October 15, 2009

"I don't consider myself a pessimist. I think of a pessimist as someone who is waiting for it to rain. And I feel soaked to the skin."
-Leonard Cohen

Paranormal Activity

So I believe in ghosts and the possibility of the unexplainable. I have never experienced anything ‘strange’ or ghost like in my own life, but I still think that for some reason there are people that can’t or won’t move on after they die. So when Beth suggested that we go to Salt Lake to see the movie Paranormal Activity, I was onboard. It was a scary movie. Subtly scary. I didn’t know I was freaked out as bad as I was and I bragged all the way home that scary movies and ghost stories don’t upset me after I leave a theatre. Now I am eating my words. I woke up three times last night with freaky thoughts of someone standing over me as I slept. This may be the first time a scary movie has actually stayed with me through the night.
Happy October!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

"I am an old scholar, better-looking now than when I was young. That's what sitting on your ass does to your face".
-Leonard Cohen

Tuesday, October 13, 2009


A woman watches her body uneasily, as though it were an unreliable ally in the battle for love. -Leonard Cohen

So I purchased a treadmill off of KSL this weekend. I have only been at it for 3 days, but so far I am pretty happy with myself. I am preying it does not become one of those mysterious basement objects that never gets used. Nichole explained to me that its all about getting the heartbeat up to 60 bpm and keeping it there as long as I can. I gave it a try. I thought I was going to die. D.I.E. Proudly I did obtain and maintain a heart beat of 40 bpm for a half hour. Then I collapsed. This is going to take patience I am thinking. I will consider myself a success if I just continue to get on the thing for a half hour a day.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

A REAL problem

And I spoke too soon. Took my car to the mechanic for a simple oil leak and was just informed that it is not an oil leak at all, but a coolant leak and its gonna cost about $660.62 to fix. REAL problems here I come. Good mood....possibly fading.

Bad Day, Good Day

Having a series of bad days all in a row does something to ya. It makes you forget that good days are just around the corner. I have been having a bad day since last Thursday. No particular reason. I don’t actually have any problems in my life, not any REAL ones anyway, and so to stay comfortable, I randomly get unhappy and have strings of bad days. I am a 'Foofaraw'. If you frequently have problems in your life then you have no idea what I am talking about. Anyway, Today is a wonderful day and there is no reason for it to be but the air is lighter, and cleaner. My work people are all pleasant and I am just flat out feeling fond of them today (an extreme opposite from yesterday). I think there were just 3 or 4 good things that happened all in a row and bam, good day. Last night I helped a friend move, which moving of course, is like the worst thing ever, but she really needed the help and the exercise lightened my mood. Plus I was with my girlfriends and can I really ever have a ‘terrible’ time if I am in their company? No. Then my Dad came home from deer hunting. Just for the night but it helped me with my loneliness. And that’s pretty much it. I have been happy as a bird all day.

Word of the Day
Foofaraw: Excessive Decoration. Alot of fuss about nothing.

"Act the way you'd like to be and soon you'll be the way you act."
-Leonard Cohen

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

A Man Cold

Monday, October 5, 2009

Survival Kit

I quit smoking…again, 5 days ago. It’s just misery. I mean it’s not the end of the world, but it kind of is at the same time. This time, in an effort to lighten the misery load, I made a Quit Smoking Survival Kit. I thought somehow, that this fabulous and rather expensive kit would minimize the urge to smoke. I just HAVE to quit. Smoking, as much as I love it, is simply not part of my future plans. And I am so tired of feeling like crap because of it. Anyways, I thought I would share exactly what is in my survival kit as it is kind of cool…I think.

Bendy Straws – for chewing and sucking on.
Vanilla Sugar body butter - because non-smokers smell good
Cinnamon flavored toothpicks
Tylenol PM
Gum….ALOT of gum
Teeth whitening kit
Notebook for my thoughts -Smoking is like saying “Time out, I have to think about this for a minute” I really relate to Poo Bear when he sits on his log and says to himself “Think, Think, Think”.
Colgate Wisps - I wonder when my colleagues will start wondering why I am constantly sitting at my desk brushing my teeth.
Bag of Sunflower seeds
Carrots and Celery
Dental Floss -I think mostly because I love flossing.
Bert’s Bees chap stick
One vile of emergency instant death suicide serum -You wouldn’t believe how much they charged me for this. It was Insane.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Frozen Fingers

My work place has to be one of the coldest places on earth. Its freezing in the winter due to huge windows that surround my office and just as cold in the summer because central air is, I believe, from the devil. I sit directly under the air duct and shiver all day long. Yes I have jackets. Yes I have sweaters and a blanket too. But these are mere mortal accessories that do nothing for a simple human when used as tools against something as wicked as ‘forced air’. But then there are the other two times of the year when it is neither summer nor winter and so my colleagues (mostly men) decide to keep the central air on. Today is the rainiest coldest day of the season so far, and I am very uncomfortable. I keep trying to type fast, but all the muscles in my fingers are on lock up and each time I slam a finger down onto a key I get a jolt of pain, like when your toes are really cold and then you stub them into the vacuum that you were to lazy to put away. The windows are seeping whispers of the temperature outside, while the vent that is aimed directly onto my head, showers me with bursts of chills. So I am sure you will understand when I say that the cold sandwich waiting for me in the fridge for lunch was not exactly calling my name.

I then got a great idea; I’d go to Village Inn for lunch. I would go in and order a warm meal and just sit there and bask in the warmth. It would be great. I mean it’s an Inn after all, the title alone suggests comfort.
Not so. Village Inn is even colder than work. I didn’t know it was possible. But there I sat shivering, all alone with my warm French dip and way too salty aujus sauce, thinking “how is this possible”? I spent $12.00 dollars.

One thing is for sure. When I am done today, I will go home soak myself in the hottest bath I have ever had. There will be bubbles and steam and happiness everywhere. I will even torture my puppy by making her stay in the bathroom with me so that I have someone to talk to. All plans for this afternoons accomplishments have been canceled. All appointments, overlooked. I will be warm today, maybe not now and maybe not for many hours to come, but eventually I will get there.

Monday, September 28, 2009

Yummy Blue Berry Bran Muffins

When starting these muffins, I will admit, my expectations were quite low. But, turns out they are delicious. I decided to try them because I am so sick of oatmeal or cereal for breakfast; I just had to come up with something else to eat in the mornings. Aunt Jill predicted that they may taste like a Mormon Muffins, and she was absolutely right. They are Mormon Muffins with a little blueberry. YUM!

2 cups Whole Wheat Flour
3 cups White Flour
3 cups All-Bran Cereal
5 tsp Baking Soda
1 tbs Salt
1 cup Brown Sugar
3 cups Natural Bran
3 Eggs
1 1/2 cups Apple Sauce - unsweetened
1/2 cup Molasses
1 liter 1% Buttermilk
2 cups Blue Berries

Mix dry ingredients in a large bowl. In a separate bowl, beat eggs and add all liquid ingredients. Add to dry ingredients and mix well. Refrigerate overnight. Fold in blueberries. Fill muffin tins 2/3 full. Bake 375* for 15-20 minutes.

I sprayed the muffin tins with Pam. I also used drained and rinsed canned blueberries, so if you use fresh blueberries they may not turn out as sweet. Also this recipe makes a ton of muffins. My whole dang kitchen is covered in cooling muffins right now. I have no idea where I am going to store all these!
If you make them as directed above these little babies are only 1.5 weight watcher points!

Friday, September 25, 2009


I just love the fall. Although this year it seems to have come too soon, the air is still refreshingly crisp in the morning and the sounds of football in the background make me want to bake muffins, wrap up in fluffy blanks, and take rides in the mountains.
"The tall maple tree outside my kitchen window is bent and blowing; the branches are bouncing and almost brushing the ground; the shhhhh noise of thousands of leaves rubbing together in the wind is the music of September".

Monday, September 21, 2009

Those cute British people

There is just something about the British that we Americans absolutely cannot get enough of. I am pretty sure it’s the adorable accent. But we love them for other things as well; their royalty, their history, and especially The Beatles. Now, with that said, I have to just mention how bad some of the British celebs are pissing me off. They keep coming over here, and talking about our politics.
Eddie Izzard (whom I adore, absolutely) said in his famous stand up skit in Los Angeles “The NRA says “People kill people, not guns…..well, I think the gun helps””. Hilarious, Eddie, I love you. But really you come over here and start talking about our politics as if Europe’s got it all figured out and we are sooo behind. We fought a horrible war in order to have our own system that we would get to dictate. Our ancestors went through hell in order to get away from Europe’s ‘already figured out’ ways. In case you haven’t noticed, we still aren’t listening. We are still fixed on having our own individual ideas.
Eddie’s little comment there makes me laugh and so I easily forgave his audacity. Plus he is a comedian so he has full blanched on jokes.
But then, at the MTV video music awards, Russell Brand stands up and says something about how in his country they don’t let the citizens die in the streets, and we need to pass healthcare. To this I say, well I am glad that you are the authority on what we should do to fix our problems. And we don’t let our citizens die in the streets. If they need medical care, they can walk into an emergency room anywhere across the country and get help. Please.
Russell, you are adorable; obnoxious to a fault, but adorable. But really, why don’t you go home and fix your own problems, and leave our problems up to us to work out? We all know there is a need for healthcare reform, and we will decide what we are going to do to fix it. “For the people, by the people”, you want to be “one of the people” come on over, we’d love to have you and your adorable accent. But until then don’t come on TV programs and spout your views on what needs to happen in MY country. It’s none of your business. And if MTV put him up to it, which I am totally sure they did, that is fine, but get an American to come out to spout these brainwashing the youth political agendas and leave those adorable British people to do what is that you are paying them to do….talk in that adorable funny accent. And so Russell, using a great Death to Smootchy quote; “You’re not paid for your opinions so get your ass our there and dance for the cameras”.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Friday, September 11, 2009


The biggest lesson I took away from that day was about unity. Remember how united we were? All the lines and boundaries disappeared. All the arguing and disagreeing faded away. There were no Democrats or Republicans; there were no racial or sexual barriers. We were all just one thing on those days after 9/11, we were Americans. It was the first time in my life that I understood the phrase “United we Stand”, and came to the realization that when we are united, Americans stand hard.

Thank you to the service men and women for protecting my family, my friends and our way of life.

God Bless America

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Flying Friend

I just read something that I really want to try…I can’t explain why.

How to make a fly your pet:
Catch a fly in a jar, put him in the fridge and let him cool down just long enough for his metabolism to slow so he is not his perky self. Then take him out of the jar and tie a 15” string around his leg. Now you have a fly on a leash and can tie the other side of the string to your finger. (They said that they tried it and although it required alot of patience it did work).

Friday, August 28, 2009

What is in a name?

I secretly love it when they name a hurricane or tropical storm the same name as someone I dislike. I know I shouldn’t ‘dislike’ anyone, and I wish I didn’t, but somehow it seems like its natures way of calling them out on the carpet and exposing them for who they really are. Like some kind of cosmic revenge from the fates.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

The Voice

Did I ever write about Leonard Cohen before? Well, first of all, if you don't know, he is a poet and writes the most beautiful, mesmerizing, comforting, seductive words I have ever heard. He can make me smile, cry, and become a humanitarian all in one breath. And then there is his voice. Deep, sometimes sad, sometimes erotic, sometimes lost, always soothing. This comfort he possesses has many times over made everything okay when it didn’t seem okay. I can’t say how often I let Leonard sing me to sleep. Leonard Cohen’s voice does for me what Sean Connerys face does for most women. You know how its got that timeless appeal?
So anyway I am FAa reaking out right now. I just got online and with a perma grin plastered to my face, purchased tickets to see Leonard Cohen in Las Vegas on November 12th. I can’t believe this will actually happen. This is serious people, he is a genius and I get to be a part of the history, I get to look at it and listen to it. I am going to be in the same room with that voice. I wish I could bring a huge comforter and cup of hot cocoa into the concert hall and just curl up on the floor for the most soothing 2 hours of my life. That may not go over well, so I will have to settle for just closing my eyes. I am pretty sure they play Leonard Cohen in heaven all day long. In fact now that I say that, I am reminded of a Kurt Cobain lyric that went “Give me a Leonard Cohen afterworld, so I can sigh eternally.” Ahhhhh. Total high.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It's Raining Babies

I said to my Dad this morning "York's wife had those babies Monday."
My Dad said "Oh, she had a bunch of um huh?"
I love him.

My family is welcoming a few new littles this month....these are my newest cousins:

Miss Piper Thorell

Miss A Cooper and Miss B Cooper
(First names....pending)

I havent met any of them yet, but from the pictures they all look adorable.

Friday, August 14, 2009

The Blanks

Last weekend the friends and I went to Layton park to see The Blanks. I had no idea who they were and was not going to go, but Nichole swooped in and convinced me that it would be a wonderful afternoon at the park, with blankets, and yummy food and friends. And so it was. Thanks Cole that was so super fun.

Oh and The Blanks,.... turns out they are freakin hilarious. Just adorable, so if you get the chance, go see them, I would recommend it.

Monday, August 10, 2009

What happens when lazy wins

So we have an electronic entry key for the area I work in. It’s a plastic card about the size of a Credit card and fits comfortably into your wallet. I don’t take my wallet everywhere I go so when its potty time I usually put it in my pocket. Well, today I am wearing a skirt that does not have pockets so I neatly tucked it into my bra. Upon coming back from the restroom I decide to take the lazy way out and instead of digging in the bra to remove the key I hoist my boob up to the electronic strip and am immediately let in. I think I am hilarious right, until I enter and realize the guy sitting in the foyer just inside the door has seen my MaGic breast action from the window that runs down the length of the door. His eyes are huge and possibly a little grossed out. So funny but I am totally inappropriate. I'm embarrassed now, but when it was happening I guess my laziness overtook any mental warning of what “could happen”.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Note to Self

Never mix a cup of coffee with a bag of Almonds.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

My Funny Boss

Some may wonder if it is even possible to like your boss. Although it’s a rarity, it is possible, but it takes a very special funny kind of boss to make it happen. Email below that we, his employees, received this morning regarding what is becoming one of his big pet peeves.

Sent: Thu 7/30/2009 6:45pm
Subject: Art Contest

(...notice the delicate placement of items to the left and right of the can...pure genius...)

Because this is now copyrighted "Art" please don't attempt to re-create...and if you see it getting to this point, save us all some legal trouble and empty the garbage or we may have to start paying royalties.

Thanks :)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

I dont even know what this is about

The worst thing ever is when you are having a spiritually 'challenged' time in your life for no dang reason at all!
The best thing ever is when someone says to you "This has nothing to do with spirituality" when referring to a very important goal of mine....because (and... sooo dont take this the wrong way) they are in so much worse shape than I. I dont mean this to sound judging because it is not. The person who said this to me... seems to be lacking a certain faith that I have found even in the greatest atheist or agnostic.

In fact I have a friend (a best friend) who dosent believe in God at all and she is such a beautiful caring person. I mean seriously no Christian would believe. I have another friend who considers herself a "Hopeful Agnostic" (adorable, that line makes me giggle a little everytime she says it) and she too is one of the most important, caring people in my life.

Its just a personal understanding about where you fit into the fabric of the universe. And honestly I used to know where I fit. I was a teeny tiny lint ball and now I seem to have fallen off my blanket.

Dispite that, I have a smile on my face because I have faith that I will find my blanket again. I just fell off it for a second... okay maybe a little longer than that.

I miss my girlfriends today. I hope you are having a good day. And I love you.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

To admit how devestated I feel about this would be completely embarrasing. What an incredibly personal loss this is for me.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Okay, For Real?

I just got off the phone with a Canine Dermatologist. Yea…Canine dermatology! Not only is there a person out there that specializes in canine dermatology but there is a whole clinic and team of people who specialize in it. Of course you can’t get this kind of canine attention anywhere; you have to drive clear to Salt Lake to speak to these crazy canine skin enthusiasts.
Annie has allergies. She is allergic to pollens and grasses and molds and what have you. When you are a dog and have allergies, you don’t sneeze and scratch your eyes; instead your entire body breaks out in a rash and itches and drives you crazy. Actually I don’t know exactly what she is allergic to and that is why I found myself on the phone with the dermatology clinic. Annie will be tested. They will determine what she is allergic too exactly; create a special ‘Annie serum’ that I will inject into her body (yeah with a freakin needle) on a weekly basis. This is called hypoimmunotherapy yeah that is One word. I have to do this. Currently she is on medication for her allergies. This medicine costs (bare down) $100.00 a month. I’ve done the math and here you go: that is $1200.00 a year and if she lives her entire 17 expected years turns out to be about $20,000.00. OMG! Giving her shots will cost significantly less, after I have paid a huge bill for the testing, the shots will be about $30.00 a month….do-able.
I have had many people say “I would have put her down by now”. For real, that’s what they say. And to be honest I would have to, if I felt about her the way that they do. But I don’t…instead I adore her. Annie goes everywhere I go. With the exception of at work time, we are rarely apart. Two peas in a pod, Paris Hilton and that Richie chick (pre-break up). Annie is the sprinkles on my cupcake. Put her down and you can try me for murdering my BFF. Who goes around killing their best friends? Like no-one.
At what point do I have to face the fact that I have turned into one of those crazy dog people? I can see it now, me at 80 years old: short, a little fat (yes still), short white hair. I’ll be wearing one of those Christmas themed sweat shirts with a pair of stretch denim jeans (you know the kind with an elastic waist band), and I will have a poodle on my lap that I call precious and talk to like it’s a real human being. With the exception of being old, this scenario is already my reality. I do call her precious. I do talk to her like she is a real human being. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed. I am super lame. I am not putting her down.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

To Brighten your day

Friday, May 8, 2009

The Mirror of Lies

I have a magic mirror and when you are standing in front of it, you sorta look a lot skinnier than you are. Yes I know, I know, you want it. But the truth is….I look in the mirror, as I did this morning and I see a thinner better looking version of myself and so I am feelin’ pretty hot right? I scram out the door without a second thought. I’ve been feeling pretty great about my outfit all morning because I look soooo good in it and then I accidently look in the bathroom mirror on my break. Dum Dum Duuummmmm. Total doom sets in as I wonder how on earth I ever allowed myself leave the house looking like this. Hugemongo. I mean my boobs which are huge anyways are now a uni-boob. And they look like they are touching my knees, my ass literally expanded by 4 inches, and this shirt, I swear to you now it will be burned by this afternoon! It’s not the first time that this has happened to me and I usually try to avoid all mirrors during the rest of the day so that I don’t run into this harsh reality check. But I messed up. I got careless. And now I am sinking into what is inevitable self consciousness. It feels pretty crap. It’s really sad because I am wearing my new and totally Fab burnt orange strappy sandals and just to be crazy and stylish threw in my new mustard yellow leather purse. Now they seem deflated like I’m just a fat girl with great accessories. Weight Watchers…..why aren’t you working faster for me? I am paying you great money and yet I don’t get advice or counseling when I come in with yet another week of your “looks like you didn’t lose anything this week" comments. Instead I get “Don’t worry about it, keep trying you’ll do better?” WHAT? Are they crazy? Don’t worry about it? I am working my ass off (not literally obviously) to lose some weight here and you don’t want me to worry about it? PA-LEASE!! I have been the exact same weight for 5 weeks in a row now. The only time I lost weight in that time period was a week ago when I lost 1 pound that I had gained the week before. I will tell you all something. I will prevail. I will win this battle. I will exercise longer and eat even less (although I may get to the lightheaded stage if I reduce more) it doesn’t matter I will achieve what I want. I will continue to walk through the fires of hell and starvation to reach my triumphant moment. If you are fat girl you should join me…FAT GIRLS UNITE!
P.S if you still want my cursed magic mirror you can get one at Wal-Mart for like $8.00, its full length, but I’ve warned you of the hazards.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Just a mention

There is nothing worse than biting into a bad carrot.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

My Italian schedule

Sept 24th: Leave SLC utah
Sept 25th: Arrive in Venice
Sept 26th: Take tour of Venice Islands
Travel to Milan
Sept 27th: See Milan
Sept 28th: Travel to Pisa
Travel to Florence
Sept 29th: Take an authentic Italian cooking class
Sept 30th: Travel to Assisi and Rome
Oct 1st: See Rome
Oct 2nd: See Rome
Oct 3rd: See Rome
Oct 4th: Go to Pompeii and take a boat around the Island of Capri
Oct 5th: Relax in Rome
Oct 6th: Fly Home

Ohhhh, doesn't it just sound dreamy? I cant wait. I cant believe I have to wait for 4 months before this actually happens!

Friday, April 10, 2009


So. I am going to Rome in a few months and was reading about all the vaccinations that a person needs in order to go. I have no idea what I have or have not had vaccinations for. How does one go about finding out this type of information? The Dr. who would have administered these shots to me (Dr. White) is long gone. Well, his office is anyway. I have no idea how to find out if I have been vaccinated or not. I certainly don’t want to go through all my vaccinations again as I do remember shots (of what sort I do not remember, obviously) from my childhood and I gotta say, not a pleasant experience. Does anyone know how I can obtain this information?

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Sometimes I think that the only reason why I don’t tell my brothers to get out of my life is because I am so sick of people telling me that I should. Maybe it’s because I feel soooo alone in this battle that when I am told that I should tell them to leave me alone, I tell myself “No one in my life understands how this feels”. “They” don’t care about them, and so of course it’s super easy to say it with conviction from "their" perspective. I am tired of pretending that I am not a co-dependent. I am tired of lying when I tell the world that I don’t wipe their asses for them.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Nosy Parker

So I meddled in my boss’ life the other day and was told a secret that I didn’t need to hear nor did I want to hear. It was not work related. Anyway, I was embarrassed for meddling, especially when I was just trying to have some ‘light chit-chat’ and he was embarrassed because the secret is kind of huge and in older days would maybe be considered shameful.
So a minute ago I walk up to him while he is speaking with a few other colleagues, to tell him some stuff (that totally doesn’t matter to this story because it is work related) and he says “Well, I just told them the Big Secret”. I say “Oh you did, they know the Big Secret huh”, then he says “Oh no, not that big secret, the secret that we will not be having cake for Rich’s Birthday today. I haven’t told them the other secret”. So I say “That was the Big Secret right”, trying desperately to cover his ass. Which by now looks really strange to the others because why would the boss be telling me Big Secrets? And so he says to them “No the other Big Secret is that my son and his girlfriend will be having a baby and that we just found out they got married in July”. All the jaws drop and lots of conversation ensues (that he did not have time for because he was headed out the door for an important thing). And I am now sitting here wondering if this was my fault or not. Somehow I feel guilty either way. DANG IT, if only I hadn’t Meddled!

Monday, March 16, 2009

How do I get this goodness in me?

It's almost Easter and I dont want to sacrifice my precious sugar filled darlings! Yes, I could have one. But one is not enough.

Monday, March 9, 2009

A little perspective

So…best friend Ricki just called me. And to make a long story short (and to protect the story as I don’t know how happy she would be at me making her life completely public)… she tells me that her Ex- husband has a brain tumor (or a “shadow” I guess is what he is calling it). She said, that he said, that right now, it looks okay. They are keeping an eye on it and so far it is appearing operable if needs be. But, just the fact that this is going on is obviously scary as hell. This is the father of her children and as she explained, once you hear something like that, all the animosity kind of fades into the back ground. She called him and they agreed that from now they are going to act like friends and be good to each other because after all they were best friends for years, they should be able to act something like friends now. How grown up. I can’t even forgive the boy who sat behind me in 3rd grade and pulled at my pigtails!

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Shhhh Don't Say It

There are a lot of reasons why I love Rush Limbaugh. But the very biggest reason I love him is because if you are standing in a room full of Democrats all you have to say is the word “Rush” and their eyes pop out of their heads and they start foaming at the mouth.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Get ready to Pee

Okay I laughed so hard watching this! My co-worker was conducting a training session and I couldn’t refrain from laughing out loud, and inadvertently disrupted his class. I think he was angry, but I seriously couldn’t help it. After watching it 3 or 4 times you get to where you can actually see the bird he must be chasing, and the whole story tells itself right down to the very end when the practically caught bird suddenly gets away from him and darts off. Just watch it. Thank you Dooce!

Friday, February 27, 2009

Longing for Summer

I am feeling so desperate for summer that I am almost ready to resort to this:

Monday, February 23, 2009

Wish My Bed Was Already Made

The thing is, at least once a week I find myself stuck right in the middle of a Morrissey song. And this week, "Everyday is like Sunday, everyday is silent and grey". It just all seems to pile up and explode on Mondays. Oh my gosh my eye just started twitching, a sure sign that I am seriously stressed. The good part of all this is that on Tuesday, after I have gotten 8 hours of sleep and chilled out just a little bit, I will realize that I was freaking out for no reason at all. All of a sudden everything will be calm again, the sun will shine, and I won’t remember why it was that Monday turned out to be total shit or the reason why I wore a hat all day that said 'Vile'. I won’t remember why I was upset at all. But for right now, it’s completely obvious. And so I am going to put on my headphones (and hope that I don’t accidently sing out loud) and blast me some Manic Monday.
Hope everyone elses day is running a little smoother!

Monday, February 9, 2009

The News

Sitting at my desk this morning, I gazed out the window and watched the earth being covered with zillions of huge fluffy snowflakes, when it occurred to me: I don’t believe the weather should be allowed on the news. Here is why: Because the weather is 50% Science and 50% prediction. It’s not 100% fact. And the truth is when the weather man is wrong, (as he was last night in telling me that we would have rain until the commute home and only then would it start snowing) I feel within me the grumbling roar of resentment. I don’t mean to resent him. I sat here, solemnly looking out the window and thinking of Damon Yahney who actually did not give me the muffed up forecast last night, but who’s face I associate with ‘All’ weathermen, and I began to feel the fire of that old familiar resentment. Whyyyyy WHY can’t ‘he’ just predict the weather correctly just once in a while? I could have told you last night that by morning the ground would be blanketed in snow because you know why?????? Yeah, I went outside and there was that weird calm in the air, the sky was mixed with grays and whites and the clouds seemed closer than normal. I could smell it. I could see it. I could feel it in the wind. And yet when I checked my weather anticipating them to tell me “The snow will here when you wake” I instead went against my better judgment and believed them when they said instead that it would not snow until tonight. 6” later….. Now you may be asking “What was the consequence she suffered for listening and believing them last night?” and my answer is; there was none. It just further lessoned my belief, my hope, that weather can be guessed correctly.

Monday, January 26, 2009

A lot about nothing really

Okay let us just talk a moment about the 4” layer of ice that was my car this morning! It took not 15, not 20, not even 30 minutes to scrape my way to the inner surface…but ONE Friggen hour! And that is what happens when it rains and snows at the same time in Utah. The doors were frozen shut so I couldn’t even get in to turn the car on. Were I able to enter the car then I could have started the great dethaw (Is that even a word or just Utah slang? I guess it would be easier to just say “thaw” as opposed to “dethaw” wouldn’t dethaw mean to re-freeze?) From the inside, while I worked relentlessly on the outside. I’m pretty sure I have frost bite on my lobes and thumbs.

Politics: Ohhhh politics. I am so tired of the endless bantering. I am very grateful that I live in a country where I can stay informed (or mostly informed depending on the lie) on all levels. However, it’s the constant bickering and bitching that finally makes you turn off the TV in disgust right? To be shamefully honest I was sort of looking forward to a democrat being in office so they would just shut up and quit all that complaining, and now the Republicans have started up. NO ONE CAN EVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN THIS COUNTRY. Unless you land a plane on the Hudson, but I don’t even know how to fly and most of my party members don’t know how either. (Please don’t leave me comments about how the ‘process’ of freedom works…I get it. I just get tired of all the fighting even though I am blessed to have it.)
Love: It’s almost Valentine’s day…again. Why are we always celebrating this holiday? I swear it comes along 4 times a year. Beth and I went to Wal-Mart the other night and happened upon the ‘Valentine Isle’. What a fluffy overkill of a holiday. So commercialized and ridiculous. Okay I am fully lying about my feelings and the V Day. I love it! I wish someone would give me some chocolates and flowers and even some of that fluff, perhaps in the shape of a teddy bear! Please leave me comments about your Valentine’s Day plans so that I can live vicariously through you!
Annie: Yesterday morning I rolled over to this: And I couldn’t help myself; I had to get a picture. She is so “friggen fabulous”. (Stolen quote from Clinton Kelly.)
Other things: I cut my hair off. Well, not OFF, I mean it still hits my shoulders, but I think they took like 6 inches or so. I was really liking it until today. I think that I thought that if I cut my hair then magic would happen I would suddenly look 20 pounds lighter. That didn’t happen. However, it only took me 5 minutes to do my hair today, so full on bonus!


This will at the very least...make you smile.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Nanny? Taxes? Cheating?

Ewwww, scandal perhaps? I actually am feeling kind of sorry for Caroline Kennedy today. I think there is no mystery here. I think that she knew she was not going to be picked (perhaps because she is unable to even answer a question in real sentence form, “you know what I mean”) and to save face she ran away from a responsibility that she really never wanted. Any who…that’s my take. I honestly can’t believe that she would try to fill this seat anyway. Just because your Dad was a president doesn’t mean that you are obligated to work in politics. I are still American Royalty. No one can take that from you girlfriend! Oh where is John-John when we need him, when she needs him? He never wanted anything to do with politics. God he was hot.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

My Current Craft

Okay, I know it has all been said before, but if you have never used a crocheted washrag, you have never experienced true cleaning satisfaction. I have been making these all week. I think I am making them to dwarf my lack of patience at buying a house. It makes me feel like even though I have not yet bought a house, I will one day, and when I do I will place my fabulous little washrags in their proper drawer. Anyway, while I am at it, if you don’t have one of these, let me know and I will make you one because you are my loved ones and you should not have to clean your kitchen again without having this fabulousness.

Caught with the fly down

I don’t normally laugh at others misfortunes...accept when they are way more fortunate than me! No just kidding, because this is totally something that would happen to me, I would love to feel some kind of empathy for him on this occasion, but I have grown to dislike the man and here is why: Angelina Jolie (who by-the-way I totally loved the first time I saw. Even as a crazy and unsettled post-teen I liked her for being a little daring and wearing what’s-his-names hair or blood or something to the liking around her neck). However, I just don’t like her anymore. She just puts off this "I am way better than all the rest of you" vibe that I can’t get over. Does she think this because she has the money to go to Africa and bring children back here for a way better life (sarcasm). Probably. I don’t know. But she has ruined Brad Pitt as well. He isn’t even cute anymore! Like even if he shaved he would still be, not as cute as he once was. I blame Angie. P.S besides the obvious, why is he wearing a women’s scarf. LAME-O. Also what is with the hat? I mean hasent he stepped out of character yet with the old Button routine?

Thursday, January 15, 2009


This morning I was watching Snapped on TV (so that I could stop the negative thinking that bombards me in the mornings and ultimately ends up ruining my day, yeah I have what I call 'fits' of negativity and they hit especially hard in the morning and when I am cleaning...go figure) and there was this woman who killed her boyfriend (who never loved her and constantly told her he wanted out of the relationship) while they were sleeping with a gun and then ended up spooning with him the rest of the night. Wow, that was the longest run-on I have ever created and I have definitely created my share of run-ons! Anyways she kills the man and then cuddles with him all night. It disturbed me, as was the intention, and then I turned off the TV and went about my day. Then (while working very hard) I came across this image:
And I am reminded all over again of the story that sent chills down my spine. Okay it didn’t really freak me out that bad, but now, I am picturing dead kittens cuddling and what is actually an adorable picture is now sad and gruesome. I would at this time continue on and confess to you that I must be one sick individual, but.....come on, you guys already know that about me and so I will bid you farely well. (Even though I have just plastered, splinters of yucky thoughts into your heads).

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

HA! I don’t know why this makes me laugh...but I just think the whole scenario is hilarious! I can't even side with one or the other. I mean, if it's true and she has been cheating...then I think he sortof has a point. If it seems like he's bitter...well, maybe he has a right to be!

Divorcing Couple Battle Over Kidney
(Jan. 13) - The couple for whom a kidney donation has become a $1.5 million sticking point in divorce proceedings squabbled publicly Monday during a Long Island court appearance, according to the New York Post. "This is a man who put his life on the line, and his wife treated him like a piece of dirt, garbage," said an attorney for Richard Batista, who claims his wife cheated on him after the transplant, according to the Post.
Dr. Richard Batista claims his wife cheated on him soon after he gave her a kidney. The couple are getting divorced, and now he wants the organ back, or $1.5 million. Dawnell Batista denies his accusations. She filed the divorce papers in 2005. The Batistas, pictured here in happier times, married in 1990.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Along came Dispicable

I figured when your wife left you for being a sex addict, you would, for the first time in years be able to show up to all the award shows with as many ladies on your arms as you could fit! However….David did not take this opportunity. He must be trying to get the wife to come back to him. Now he sorta looks pathetic and scrawny. I think rehab must have worked too well!
P.S I think Calvin Klein suits should be reserved for boys and young 20 somethings.

I lost It

I went to Wal-Mart yesterday with my Dad to do some grocery shopping. It was crowded. Really crowded, and people are so slow and in the way and it’s so frustrating to even walk down one isle. My Dad was slow. He kept throwing things into the basket that we didn’t need. I tried to explain that I don’t have the money to just throw things into the cart all Wiley-nilley. He didn’t seem to notice. We made it to the back of the store where the yogurt is. A girl stood there in the way, dazed, taking her time and talking on the phone. I waited. I didn’t want to run over her or push her out of the way. Finally she walked back to her cart and I expected her to move along, but she didn’t she just sat there in front of the yogurt talking and looking confused. Finally she moved enough that I figured it was my turn and so I walked up and attempted to grab the flavors that Dad and I like when I am surrounded by fat, hurried women who obviously all feel that waiting and being polite is not for them. They were everywhere. I couldn’t find the ones I was looking for and people were touching me and reaching over me and around me and…. Well, I flipped. I don’t remember all I said, but it was in reference to hungry desperate cattle and wild animalistic behaviors. I walked back over to the cart where my Dad stared in horror and I said “we should leave before we are killed.” A lady next to me said, (in a rude annoyed voice) “Oh chill out were not going to kill you.” I said “Well I doubt that, just like I doubt that I can come into Wal-Mart on a Sunday and have everyone act like HUMANS.” My Dad was totally humiliated. I felt really guilty for embarrassing him. I felt embarrassed too. I couldn’t help it, the anxiety had been building and building all through the store and then I finally broke. I won’t go to Wal-mart on Sunday anymore.

Friday, January 9, 2009

What do people do?

I used to never watch TV. Then when I moved into my apartment and the world became lonely, I began to watch TV every day. It all snowballed from there and then got to the point that watching TV was all I did. I have come to a conclusion though….I Don’t Even Like TV. I am always miserable when I am watching it. It depresses me. It makes me feel…board. So having come to this conclusion I decided that I wouldn’t watch TV anymore. Now a life without TV is strange. What the hell was I doing before I got sucked in? What did I do with my time? I feel like it has caused an identity crisis. It has forced me to ask ‘identity crisis’ questions like “Well, what do I like to do?” I can honestly say that I have no idea what I like to do, I am just looking for something to do that I don’t hate! It’s really annoying. Luckily I have a job that requires me to stay at work for 10 hours a day leaving barely enough time to get home, eat dinner and wash the sweat off before I have to go to bed. And so that’s a blessing. I know I am supposed to be going to a movie this weekend with the girls, very different from watching TV and so I can handle that. Anyway, I am sitting here at my desk thinking about how its Friday and I get to do whatever I want this weekend and I how I just cant wait to get off of work, but then what am I so excited for? I have nothing to do. No stupid TV to watch, no big plans (except the movie…and the fact that I will spend Saturday with Annie because it’s her Birthday.) This reminds me…I have purchased the cutest Birthday gifts for my sweet dog! I am excited to give them to her she is going to be so siked (too 1980?). I should go to the gym, but yeah, like that's ever gonna happen?

Thursday, January 8, 2009

January 10th

I made this for Annie's Birthday.
I should have it printed and framed it turned out alot cuter than I thought it would....thanks in large part to Beth's awesome photography! click on image

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Goodbye to 2008