Monday, October 25, 2010

Day 50

I would assume that I have this whole thing licked and that I will never again be hit with the urge to smoke. It feels like its over. However my cousin had been quit for 3 months before she broke down. Like with any addiction, all it takes is once and you are back to practicing the habit as if you had never quit. So I am trying to stay vigilant and guarded. I have no idea how long it will take before I feel "safe" or like I can trust myself. It was just last week that I sat on Beth's patio and wanted one so bad, and at that moment I regretted quitting because just "One" smoke in the Autumn air would have rocked um out. But instead....I went in.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


I read an article all about eggs and the good ones are almost all used up by age 35. I am not OLD enough to have discarded all my good Eggs. Time, and clocks, and big hands and tons of pressure. Annie and I had eggs for breakfast. My egg didn’t... drop yet this month. Will it ever again? I found the shell of an egg on the ground outside today. Isent that weird? Suddenly EGGS, they are everywhere. They are all I can think about. What the hell is the matter with me? I Googled EGGS in order to be able to visually express how I feel. But now I feel shame for my panic and embarrassment for what could be considered desperateness. Maybe it is. Or maybe its because whatever I am feeling it feels insanely private (but I can't figure out why) therefore going against all my instincts to share it on the internet. I am going to anyways. All of a sudden my monthly inconvenience is a lifeline to my future and I feel it slipping away and I am scared to death. I cry about it sometimes. It's horrible all those times I was angry at my Eggs for getting in the way of my life and now they are the only way to continue it. I feel great big guilt for resenting them when I was 13 and 24 and 31.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Girlfriend In a Coma

Annie got sick last weekend or maybe it was the weekend before. It was this whole thing where we ended up in the ER on a weekend night. It cost a ton of money, kept us up until one in the morning and the Dr. diagnosed her with seizures which I knew was ridiculous, all though if she were to drop into a seizure it wouldn’t really surprise me. Not much could surprise me at this point (not that I am calling on the fates to teach me a lesson). I sometimes expect to wake up and find my little girlfriend in a coma (which reminds me of a fabulous song), so I poke at her and wait for her to react by getting up, sighing and then walking to the end of bed before collapsing in exhaustion again. Anyway Annie started limping a few days ago and won’t jump up on anything…even me, which should make me happy but really doesn’t because it means she is hurting. I feel bad for her because with her allergies acting up it’s been over a month since she felt decent. I am worried that it is something serious and at the same time preying that I won’t have to fork out another chunk of my savings. It all makes me feel sorry for myself and for Anna Banana.