Wednesday, April 30, 2008

3/25/1921 - 4/29/2008

These tears I've cried. I've cried 1000 oceans.
And if it seems that I'm floating in the darkness,
well I can't believe that I would keep you from flying.
And I would cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes to sail you home
I'm aware what the rules are
and you know that I will run to follow you
Over Silbury hill, through the solar fields
You know that I will follow you
And if I find you, will you still remember playing at trains?
Or does this little blue ball just fade away?
These tears I've cried
I've cried 1000 oceans
And if it seems that I'm floating in the darkness,
Well I can't believe that I would ever keep you from flying
And so I will cry 1000 more
If that's what it takes
To sail you home

Friday, April 25, 2008


I was contacted yesterday by my father who informed me that the nurse had given my Pa (Grandpa that is) only a few more hours to live. I left work and went to his house to pay him one last visit. It breaks your heart to see this man who has been a rough and tough cowboy, fall into the shadow of what can only be described as a mere deflated reflection of the man we all used to know. And it makes me wonder why death has to be so damn degrading. I mean is it like the ultimate final life lesson? You will learn to be degraded on a level you have never been degraded to before, and then you may die. And, I worry, does the confusion increase when you are in this state? Do you know that you are dying but don’t really understand all that’s going on around you? And if that is true are you trapped in your body unable, or to weak to say “hey I am really scared and freaking out here”? I don’t want my Pa to be scared. And then when family members break down and ball right in front of him it makes me want to grab them by the ears, pull them out of the room, and say “You freakin idiot, can he have at least a little peace of mind that we will be okay once he is gone? Can you not carry this dramatic scene on in another room?” Its selfishness. Why can’t we be thinking about how he feels instead of how we feel? I half feel like they are trying to prove that they must love him more because they are devastated more. Lamo! Anyway, I’d just like to say, that I love my Pa. And there is no other person on the planet that can look at me, give a subtle nod, say good job Tex, and literally push my self-esteem into another sphere, like my grandpa can. There is no replacing him people of the world, and I just think I should warn you that you are about to lose a hero and the most loyal friend anyone could ever have.

Friday, April 18, 2008

To be a Lady like Jane

Do you ever just want to get lost in a Jane Austen world? You know, where the rules are all laid out for you and if you break them your sister will tell you so? I would love to go back and live in the times of appropriateness. (Probably because I never challenge my own discretion). I saw this book and it’s just the cutest little thing. I really will have to buy it. It comes complete with directions on the following;
· How to become a lady
· How to run a Great House
· How to Indicate Interest in a Gentleman without seeming Forward
· How to Throw a dinner party
· How to choose and buy clothing
Supposedly full of practical directions for navigating the travails of Regency life. How charming.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Annie's Bad Luck Streak

So Annie has had a strange rash for a couple of months. Just a couple small spots on her tummy. I’ve been watching them to make sure that it doesn’t get worse. Other things have happened to her ‘dermis’ that I’ve noticed, but never been alerted to. For example the hair behind her ears has been thinning. It’s also been thinning on the back of her legs. No big deal, she’s shedding, its spring, right? Apparently not! Annie has a skin infection that is causing the hair follicles to stop producing hair. OH MY. The red dots on her tummy grew in number the last couple of days and so I took her to the doctor yesterday. My poor tootlebug has Mange. Well at least some form of mange. She doesn’t have any bugs, or at least the Dr. couldn’t find any. No she has an infection of some sort, caused by who knows what! So now she is on an antibiotic and were waiting (up to 4 weeks apparently) to see if it clears up. She was up all night last night itching and scratching and I just feel so bad. I asked the Dr. “Just tell me straight so I can accept it, is this an unhealthy dog”? He said “No, this is an unlucky dog. She is very healthy; she just keeps getting strange ailments”.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

Encounter with the Gum Girl!

Here is what happened: I decide to enroll at Phoenix University! After all they are geared toward working adults, are accredited, and my work will pay tuition reimbursement. I prayed all the way there and asked God for his will to be done for me and if he feels it would be in my best interest to enroll here, then to please let me have peace of mind and certainty about what I am doing. Boy did he answer my prayer.
The lady (let’s call her “gum girl”) that assisted me was a 41 year old woman who acted 10. To say she lacked intelligence is overrating her and she was oh so unprofessional. She was chewing gum and blowing bubbles and telling jokes with sexual innuendoes. It was really annoying because I was not in a “laugh at your inappropriate joke” mood; I was in a serious “I am making a life decision” mood. Despite her annoying gum chomping, I was almost sold on the idea. I asked what the total program would cost and was given this HUGE not worth it number. I mean Holy Cow. Considering the fact that I am not a strong willed individual and I teeter on being unreliable even to my own self, was I willing to enroll and risk losing huge amounts of money if I didn’t stick with it to graduate? The pukey feeling in my stomach said…”NO”. So I told her “I can’t do it” and asked how much it would be to finish my Associates degree. She said “We don’t offer an associates program but our Child company Axia, does”. Alrighty! I ask how much that will cost, and she tells me its about $7,000.00 to finish up the credits that I need. I said “alright, let’s do it.” As I sit at the computer and fill out the enrollment she hangs over me and pops bubbles in my ear and chomps on her gum. (Words cannot describe how much I hate gum chomping), and tells me every single thing to type into the questionnaire. Example: “Okay now where it says name, just type Texie”. OHHHH NOOOO. This is when I first realized that I was possibly making a big mistake but I had gone this far and decided just to finish. I feel horrible all the way home. I feel horrible all that night and into the next day. About noon time yesterday I do some research and although Phoenix University is an accredited school that my company will pay reimbursement for, the Axia child company is not. Oh boy. Plus I punch in some numbers based on the information she gave me and it would really cost more like 20,000.00 dollars! Did she lie or is she unable to add? I called the Gum lady back and told I had made a mistake and needed to cancel my enrollment. I then called DATC and told them about my very sad fear of Math and they said they could get me up to speed in no time and that the credit hours would transfer over to Weber State University. Oh this feels a lot better all of a sudden! And so this is what I am going to do and I feel really super duper good about it.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Woah! I almost backed into this wall!

Ever feel loserly? Unaccomplished? Poor? I feel lost and without goals. This never has settled well with me. I like to feel that I am moving forward in life not backward. I think I am going the opposite of everyone I know and If I dont quit moving backwards I may trip! I gotta quit being a stagnant pool of a person. I have to have goals. So in the back of my head I hear my mother’s voice “Texie, you have to go to school, then you can get married for love and won’t be dependent on a man for anything”. I think this goes along with her “leave anytime you want” philosophy. I love her concept, as twisted and perhaps bitter as it may sound. And the truth is...She had these huge expectations set for me in my life and I haven’t lived up to a single one of them. But school is one that I can live up to and even stranger…I want to! I have been programmed to believe that until I hold that little piece of paper in my hands, I will not yet be successful. It’s not about the money, although I will have a ton of it, it’s not about the bragging rights, of which I won’t be sad about, it’s about doing this one thing that will make me feel good about me! When your life is going nowhere, you feel so displaced and unattached to anything good. So I have made an appointment! And I am going this afternoon to enroll in a bachelors program, I’m not sure which one (LOL) but I am sure it will be great. I am going to get some financial aid and get going with my life again! Wahoo!! Got to get it done. The whole Major/Minor thing as I mentioned is undetermined so any suggestions in the next couple of hours would be most appreciated! Need more to go on? Well, I can write. And I am very good at crafts and making things pretty. I can bake and cook good but would never want to do that as a career. And that’s about it, that’s all I can offer you. Now….may the suggestions flood in!