Monday, March 31, 2008

My Mother the Landlord

When do you know that it's Time to buy a house and leave the “apartment” scene behind? Is it when you find a baggie full of used needles (presumably Heroine needles) right outside your door? Is it when your upstairs neighbor tells you that her car was keyed the other night? Perhaps when your told that someone is running around letting the air out of peoples tires? Is it when the single mother of 3 across the street has her apartment robbed? Maybe it’s when you count on your fingers how many times you have seen a cop car in the complex in the last two weeks and the answer makes you throw up in your mouth a little bit? (The answer to that is 4, by the way, and I might be exaggerating about the throw up!)
Screaming kids (which I have very little tolerance for), vacuuming in the middle of the night, the total jerk grounds keeper (let’s call him Ron, because that is his name) complaining about day old dog poop on the lawn. Which, I clean up every couple of days and it’s not that big of a deal and he needs to relax and go find a girlfriend or a real job! The fake landlord who pretends that she really likes you, but you know she does not. And thats okay. I dont need her to like me, but I just know she is out to destroy me. Car doors slamming and shutting all night long (probably drug addicts making a “run”).
Last night the girl above us was up at like 12:00amish with music blasting! And I hate to sound old and cranky, but Hello, I have to work in the morning!
Whether its them sneaking in my house and then leaving me a little green note on my door informing me that I’ve just been violated, or the 3” layer of salt laid out in front of my door every time it snows to prevent lawsuits, forcing me to vacuum 3 times a day, my apartment is a horrible place.
I can smoke in the apartment because they have a legal clause that basically states that the neighbors can’t complain about it, but I can’t smoke outside my apartment unless it’s on the patio because you must be 25 feet away from all entrances. (Which by the way, the patio is not 25’ away from the main entrance.)
I want my own house. My own yard, carport or garage. My own space where no one can tell me what to do. Where I wont have two horrible looming parent like figures constantly bossing me around. And where I wont have to fear for my life every time I go to bed.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Are You Staring Outside?

It’s Spring! It’s that time of year where you get no work done because you have been staring out the window all day. Millions of people, right now, are sitting in their offices and all of them are staring blankly out the window. It’s some kind of built in mechanism for the human that says “hey, you’ve been in too much, get out!”
Yesterday was the first day of spring and even though it was rainy and dark I fully expected that the tulips and daffodils would pop out of the ground immediately. I even considered that I may receive an early visit from a lady bug, but to no avail.
There are however a few things that you forget about when it comes to spring. For example, I tried to walk through the grass in my high heels yesterday and sank until I was stuck! Something in me said “hey that ground is not frozen anymore” but I did it anyway and had quite the struggle.
Also, we tend to forget about the “spring time cold” of which I was reminded of in full bloom yesterday. Woke up with that “ah ohh things could be bad” feeling. Now today it is in full attack mode and I am finding it exhausting to even climb the stairs. Sore throat, yucky filled with junk cough, clogged sinuses, the works! Strange that it is Easter weekend and I am sick. I was sick for Christmas too and I never get sick!
There is also, the “fear of losing the coat” thing. I think thin people will not understand this struggle. But if you are a little bit of a fatty, you know what I mean. When you’re carrying around some extra poundage, it really feels good to cover it all up with a giant oversized coat. It becomes a security blanket under which you feel completely comfortable hiding your shame. Sad really, all the fat girls in the world are running around thinking they are “hiding” their fat. Oh boy. You literally have to pry the coat out of your own hands and tell yourself “its okay, they already know about it, you can let go of this”!
Still, nothing beats the hopes of spring. Thoughts of summer adventures and cool relaxed evenings just fills us with an exploding energy. I pity school teachers right now. I can’t wait to go camping and four wheeling. To feel the sun beat down on my face and have cook outs in the shade.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

The Chicken Coup

3 or 4 weeks ago a colleague of mine walks into the office, his eyes are baggy and bloodshot. “What’s wrong?” He replies “Roosters. My neighbors next door bought like 3 roosters and they woke up crowing at 3:00 am”.
About a week later, Brian says “What am I gonna do about those Roosters? They keep us up all night, its offal?”
Another week passes and we are in a group meeting. “I gotta talk to my neighbors. They gotta do something to stop them.”
A few days ago Brian comes into work. “I spoke with the neighbor about the Roosters. Told him “Those roosters of yours are keeping us up all night, is there anything you can do?” and the neighbor says “I will see about putting a screen in their cage that will block out any light that may be getting in.” Brian said “Oh I sure would appreciate it”.
A few days goes by and Brian hasn’t been woken by the roosters once. He figures that the neighbors plan to block out light has worked!
Yesterday the neighbor comes over and apologizes for any inconvenience the roosters may have caused and brought an offering of friendship….Chicken noodle soup.
Hilarious. Brian is all upset, feels horrible and guilty.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Our Sensitive Police

A fun and unnerving little story: This morning around 3:00 or 4:00 I go outside on my patio to let Annie potty, (We have a vet appointment today because of a little potty problem) and there are a couple of cop cars outside. 10:00am I leave work and go home to let Ann out again and as we peruse the yard she walks up to a little baggy on the ground. I pull her back and walk up to it. It’s a bag of needles and other stuff. Obviously my genius little detective dog found us some nice paraphernalia. So I go in the house and call dispatch. They say they will send a cop over. About 2 minutes later, (why can’t they be that quick when someone you love is convulsing on the floor???) a cop pulls up and gets out a bag and picks it up. He gets my name, number, blah, blah, “So have you seen anything suspicious around here?” to which I say “No, it’s probably been here all winter and just become uncovered with the snow melting.” He said with a little chuckle “Yeah, well we found a body over in Clearfield the other day that way. Had been covered up for months, so it’s possible”. Ahhhh, nice to know he understood what I was talking about.

After explaining that this discovery was owed to Annie (who has a snout that could possibly collect disability due to shortness) I asked if Annie would be recieving a "Top Dog" investigator jacket or perhaps a pin for her sweater? He said "No".

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Driving Miss Daisy Crazy

Oh at last, it has happened. Mercy has been shown and my brother (whom I have been driving to and fro for the last 8 months) is finally eligible for a driver’s license. The celebration that happens inside of me every time I think about it is unexplainable. Oh relief. I am going to do something special with that extra hour that has been ripped from my life for the last 8 months. I know it doesn’t sound like much but it really is. I’m gonna go to the gym, or to visit a grandparent, or to the bookstore. Something. And I better never hear the words “Tex, will you drive me over to….” Again!