Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Oh how the calls have flooded in! Boy what a rain storm my last blog has caused! (I never knew there were so many who read this stupid thing). I need you all to know that I am totally and completely aware that I am so loved. I want to make clear that my last blog entry was about loss, change, irrational fears, and my own inabilities to completely recover from something that is impossible to completely recover from. Maybe I should not have written it as I see that it could be misconstrued or possibly conveyed that I do not feel as cherished as I know I am, but then I am glad I did because it was about as honest as I could possibly be about something that will continue to affect me forever. Change is inevitable as we all know, and with it growth. Growing pains are necessary and it is those that I was referring to. I love you all so much! From now on, I think I am gonna make this a yearly tradition; About 3 days before my Birthday I am going to put all of you on the biggest guilt trip ever and receive days of attention in reward! Totally kidding! I am so sorry if I made anyone feel bad or unappreciated...Especially my family.
I had a wonderful Birthday. I was not home to recieve many of your calls, but it was a very fun day. If you can imagine, I even forced Dad to go to Rainbow Gardens for a Mormon muffin and shopping. And he actually survived. I felt horrible about it but it was soooo funny, he only used 2 inappropriate words throughout the whole thing. He looked so confused. Like I had taken a country boy and set it down in the middle of New York or something. He said, (and he says this every year just to remind me) "Texie, did you know they did a study and a man shopping during the holidays encounters as much stress as a fighter pilot during war?" I said "Yes, I think I did hear that somewhere Dad". What a tough ol' cowboy enduring that much stress only 9 months after a heart attack. What a man wont do for his daughter.
I also had a wonderful get together with my friends. We had a Rock Band night and we were legendary.
Posted by Texie at 8:28 AM
Friday, December 19, 2008
So as I said in my last entry, every year at this time I get a bug for appreciation. I become overwhelmed by all the blessings that I have. Mostly for my friends. And then this Wednesday a little pressure was set in motion by the need to figure out what I was going to do on my Birthday. It set the wheels turning for what would inevitably be a ‘crash’. 11 years ago I saw my Mom for the last time on my Birthday. I was sitting at my Grandmothers kitchen table just after a yummy Birthday dinner. My Mom was tired. She stumbled slowly grabbing on to everything that could balance her and stood at the top of the stairs. “Headed to bed already?” I said. She replied “Yes, happy Birthday baby girl.” And she looked straight in my eyes for just a moment. And then she disappeared down the stairs. And that was it. That was the last time I saw her.
My Birthday has changed significantly from what it was during those days. No more family outings. No more Grandparents. No more tradition. I have had to say goodbye to a lot of what I always considered to be ‘My Birthday’. With that, new tradition has begun and I guess that’s where the blessings and thankfulness come in. If I didn’t have my friends and my Dad I would very possibly be alone on my birthday. It scares me for the day that my Dad is no longer here and my friends are busy and distracted by their lives. Will there ever be a day when my life is not celebrated at all?
It has bothered me. Especially this year for some reason. So thankful that I am loved, and scared to death that one day I won’t be. I need to let go of the fact she won’t be here for my Birthday. Am I crazy that it has been over a decade and this is obviously still eating at me with such intensity? If I am crazy then what steps do I take to get over it? I can’t just sit back and let it continue to hurt me. If I do then I will never have a good Birthday ever again. That is seriously ridiculous. I don’t know what to do. Of course my girls will throw me a fun and comforting bash on Saturday. And I know deep down that the day will never come that they will let me and my life go uncelebrated. The day will never come when they are too distracted by their own lives, but the fear still remains. I am tired of going through this death year after year and Id like there to be a day that I can let go and just love being exactly where I am at in my life instead of fearing where I will one day be. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. I feel a little silly writing about it anyway. I mean it is just a Birthday. It’s just like any other day. One thing is for sure, healed or not healed, I will always make too big of a deal out of things. It’s just my way.
Posted by Texie at 10:46 AM
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thirty Two in 5 days and counting. This number is alright by me. Not young enough to be fooled by just anyone, not old enough to….well, feel old. Every year when my Birthday rears its ugly head I am suddenly overcome with an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. I become sentimental “if you know what I mean” and everything seems to take on a new meaning in my life, a real meaning, meanings that are not filtered or lied to or challenged by the mundane or anxiousness that sometimes surrounds me. I am as always forever thankful and humbled by God for his gratuity, and aware that I do have the very best of what he can offer. Certainly with Friendship, the true experience of unconditional love from my Dad, and the loyal (and certainly undeserved) trust of a dog. These things are my most prized possessions. But when my Birthday comes round it is also the things I forget to be grateful for that seem to emanate from every facet and corner of my life. Like a glistening crystal with so many colorful sides that I can’t keep track of where all the colors are sprouting from. My eyes that see every detail in a snow flake. My ears (if I would just open them a little more instead of being so closed up), my hope, my dreams, my wishes, my accomplishments, my LIFE. Things that I can’t pick up, things that I will always have. These things that I tend to overlook. What grace have I? Not deserving of such treasure! I certainly did not earn these things. How many people drift through life without truly knowing what real friendship is? I know. Not because I have shown it, but because it has been shown to me. My girlfriends are the emeralds and diamonds and safire’s in my life. They add the color Pink to my world (even though I don’t think that one of them appreciates the color as they should).
My brothers. They may be half crazy but their mine. Lost in turbulence, and sad to their souls, I have to appreciate every single second because I don’t know which moment will be the last one. Their sorrow will continue, I can’t make it go away for them, and so with it my defenses and guard always up, but that doesn’t diminish the blessing that they are or the lessons that they have taught me.
All these blessings break into sections and divide and fill my life with warmth. I wish I was a better person, more deserving. But then that’s another miracle I owe a curtsy too.
Posted by Texie at 3:35 PM
Some points and questions
1. Wouldn’t a Stiletto do more damage?
2. Do you think they returned his shoes to him after it was over, or…do you think they kept them as evidence? If they kept the shoes do you think they will be in a museum one day?
3. Okay where the hell were the lethally top trained security people that are supposed to be there before the bullet strikes? I mean, aren’t they supposed to catch the bullet in the chest and die for their president, go out in a flame of glory to always be remembered and respected? If they won’t even get up for a shoe...what chance do our presidents have?
4. I am actually impressed by his swift athletic ducks. You can’t learn that in college people, you have to be born with it.
5. How embarrassing. He should really consider not traveling for the remainder of his time in office. Wouldn’t a phone call suffice?
Posted by Texie at 1:12 PM
Friday, December 12, 2008
Posted by Texie at 10:17 AM
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Monday, December 8, 2008
The talk in the office this morning is of the super fun office Christmas party that took place last Saturday. Apparently there were prizes and gifts, drawings and karaoke. I didn’t go.
"Why?" You may be asking. Well it wasn’t because of my normal social anxieties that I did not show up to the yearly office festivities. My reason is actually kind of lame. I didn’t go because everyone at the party brings their spouses and significant others. As a single (the only single) what was I to do? Sit there and try to talk chit chat with co-workers as their spouses attempted to pull them away to hit the dance floor? No thanks. I mean the whole event is centered on doing things with your extra special person. Well what if my extra special person.... is me?
I find it interesting that the suicide rate increases so much at this time of year. I mean really, there are many things far worse than being alone. Or maybe it’s because I am not actually a lonely person that I am spared from leaping off the ledge of a tall building.
With that being said, there really is no truer time than Christmas to remind you that you are Bridget Jones, without the dates, office crush, or drunken single friends. On the upside being single at the Holidays means:
1. No matter what, I will be doing my things with my family and my friends no matter what. No schedule conflicts to deal with what-so-ever!
2. I don’t have to spend additional money on something extra special for my extra special person. Important during this economically challenged time!
3. I don’t have to fret about finding something fantastic to wear to his family outings. My family and friends don’t really care what I wear as long as I show up right?
4. I can spend my extra time with my adorable dog. (That may sound pathetic.. and it is, but I still enjoy it a lot.)
Okay so that is all I can think of, certainly there are additional reasons to be excited about my status during this time of year? Any suggestions? The internet can be more lonely a world than the real one because people don’t feel obligated to answer you. Even if they feel inclined to answer I don’t think they usually do. My point is, if you are alone at this time of year, then it is your own dang fault. Now don’t start walking over to the ledge. All is not lost, I mean do you even have a dog?
Posted by Texie at 9:55 AM
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
I believe long after we are gone, the legend of the great Leonard Cohen will go on. He is a beautiful poet first and foremost and was finally inducted into the Rock -n- Roll Hall of Fame last summer. To make mention of what his poetry has done for me in my life, well...only someone like Leonard Cohen could find the words. For those that have never been touched by the dewy thoughts of Mr. Cohen just look away, for those that have...this was his induction. (Note to Beth: dont watch the video, just listen)
Posted by Texie at 10:18 AM
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Hey friends, read my cousins entry below and then if you want in on the action...just follow her direction! Wahoo soooo fun! - Tex
"Hey there folks! Just wanted to plug a new blog that a friend of mine is just starting! It's called Give Away Today, and by just visiting and leaving a comment, you'll be in the running to win one of their fabulous daily prizes! We all know that winning great stuff is super fun, so visit the site!
Below are details directly from the blog on how to enter and win!
This Friday's giveaway...$100 gift card from Target. Normally, we will giveaway one item per day Monday through Friday. However, since this is our first giveaway, the Target gift card will be our featured item until Friday morning, December 5th. On the morning of December 5th we will choose the winner using http://www.random.org/. We will announce the winner and then he or she will have 24 hours to email email@example.com. If we do not hear from the winner within 24 hours, we will choose a new winner.
Here's how you can enter to win:
For one entry: Leave a comment with your first and last name.
For one more entry: Put our button on your blog. Leave a comment that says "Button: Your first and last name"
For one more entry: Do a post about our blog on your blog. Leave a comment that says "Post: Your first and last name"And finally, if you want a ton of entries, email your family and friends about http://www.giveawaytoday.blogspot.com/.
Tell them to come here and put your name in a comment as the one who referred them. Whoever's name is in the comment will win the prize. Therefore, the more people your refer, the higher your chances are of winning.Recap: The maximum number of comments that you can leave is four. One with your name; one for a button, one for a post, and one that gives the name of the person who referred you.Good Luck!"
Posted by Texie at 3:36 PM
Monday, December 1, 2008
This year was different. This year my Aunt Loni did not have her big family dinner as she has in years past. And so what were we to do? It was obvious. I was going to have to cook my first Thanksgiving dinner. The thought made me nervous. How does one person plan it so that all this food can end up on the table all at the same time and remain hot enough to be edible?
Well, somehow I did it. And it was soooo fun. I absolutely had the time of my life. I have decided that the reason why I have disliked this holiday all these years is because I have never really been involved. I have always let everyone else in the family cook the meal and then I just showed up. As rude as that is… It’s also been a major bummer and waste of my talents as I am quite good in the kitchen.
Not only did I make a feast for them…but check out my festiveness! I mean holy cow what a totally cute table for only planning this shindig with one days notice. I simply gathered pinecones and acorns from the backyard and carved “Give Thanks” into two oranges, and tossed some candles in there. I also made some Bee Butter and some Maple Butter for our rolls. So good.
I am not going to claim that my Jell-O...thingy here turned out okay. Things went wayward. Unplanned things. But it still tasted wonderful.
Posted by Texie at 8:48 AM