Crashing Down

So as I said in my last entry, every year at this time I get a bug for appreciation. I become overwhelmed by all the blessings that I have. Mostly for my friends. And then this Wednesday a little pressure was set in motion by the need to figure out what I was going to do on my Birthday. It set the wheels turning for what would inevitably be a ‘crash’. 11 years ago I saw my Mom for the last time on my Birthday. I was sitting at my Grandmothers kitchen table just after a yummy Birthday dinner. My Mom was tired. She stumbled slowly grabbing on to everything that could balance her and stood at the top of the stairs. “Headed to bed already?” I said. She replied “Yes, happy Birthday baby girl.” And she looked straight in my eyes for just a moment. And then she disappeared down the stairs. And that was it. That was the last time I saw her.
My Birthday has changed significantly from what it was during those days. No more family outings. No more Grandparents. No more tradition. I have had to say goodbye to a lot of what I always considered to be ‘My Birthday’. With that, new tradition has begun and I guess that’s where the blessings and thankfulness come in. If I didn’t have my friends and my Dad I would very possibly be alone on my birthday. It scares me for the day that my Dad is no longer here and my friends are busy and distracted by their lives. Will there ever be a day when my life is not celebrated at all?
It has bothered me. Especially this year for some reason. So thankful that I am loved, and scared to death that one day I won’t be. I need to let go of the fact she won’t be here for my Birthday. Am I crazy that it has been over a decade and this is obviously still eating at me with such intensity? If I am crazy then what steps do I take to get over it? I can’t just sit back and let it continue to hurt me. If I do then I will never have a good Birthday ever again. That is seriously ridiculous. I don’t know what to do. Of course my girls will throw me a fun and comforting bash on Saturday. And I know deep down that the day will never come that they will let me and my life go uncelebrated. The day will never come when they are too distracted by their own lives, but the fear still remains. I am tired of going through this death year after year and Id like there to be a day that I can let go and just love being exactly where I am at in my life instead of fearing where I will one day be. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. I feel a little silly writing about it anyway. I mean it is just a Birthday. It’s just like any other day. One thing is for sure, healed or not healed, I will always make too big of a deal out of things. It’s just my way.