The Perils of Smoking

Ah, the perils of nicotine. I have been trying to quit smoking for 1 year, 1 month, 17 days, 12 minutes and 57 seconds! And to no avail. Hadn’t had a smoke for like 30 days and then I just faltered. It’s not the end of the world but “they” sure would make you think it was. I wish I could explain how much I love smoking. I really, really….love to smoke. I love to smoke in all the seasons, with friends, or when there are none. Extremely happy, or in the depths of despair; It’s a way of life, even if it is a limited life in the end. I love cigarettes with coffee in the morning, after working out, in the car, after meals or when I am really hungry. I love them when I am stressed and when I am happy. What to do? I feel so bad for my heart. It has to try to keep up with the irregular fluctuations of the nicotine drug consistently pumping through it. In a nut shell….I can’t stop.
It’s just so unaccepted now. So 1994. All the people I work with are non-smokers. Everywhere you go you hear about how horrible it is and how unwelcome it is. Well, all I have to say is, it tastes and feels so good that I am pretty sure that even God smokes. (Now dont freak out, I didnt mean that).
Boy do I wish I would have never tried that first one. I remember it clearly. I was 14 years old. At my dad’s house for the weekend and he had just left the house. I was all alone and there they were 3 large cartons of Merit Ultra lights. They just wanted me to open them. And so I did not knowing the uphill and constant battle I was creating for the rest of my life.
Nichole decided they were unhealthy and so she quit. How? Don’t know. Ricki does this too. She just puts them down. Decided. How do you really make a decision to change? I make decisions to change in different ways every single day, but were they ever really decisions if I go back to my old ways?
Honestly, I am now relaxed and back to my comfortable, happy self, even though I have the cloud of impending doom looming over my head. I don’t want to die from cancer. I don’t have the money for cancer, for one. And secondly, I have seen people dying from cancer and it is not a pretty sight. As a child, I remember waking up in the middle of the night, disoriented in the darkness, by my uncle who cried out in agonizing pain from the room next to me, moaned and hollered even in his sleep. When my Grandmother asked him “What is wrong?” I remember him saying “My bones hurt”. I can’t get this out of my mind. His BONES HURT! I mean what am I doing? What kind of decisions am I making for myself here? Will I look back to today’s decisions as I look back now at my decision to have that first smoke? I guess I will just keep on tryin’. It’s got to get easier right?
The problem is, I don’t have anyone more important to me than myself. It’s always mothers and fathers who end up quitting because they have someone more significant than themselves in their lives.
Is there anyone out there that may want to impregnate me?.....Hello?