Friday, May 8, 2009

The Mirror of Lies

I have a magic mirror and when you are standing in front of it, you sorta look a lot skinnier than you are. Yes I know, I know, you want it. But the truth is….I look in the mirror, as I did this morning and I see a thinner better looking version of myself and so I am feelin’ pretty hot right? I scram out the door without a second thought. I’ve been feeling pretty great about my outfit all morning because I look soooo good in it and then I accidently look in the bathroom mirror on my break. Dum Dum Duuummmmm. Total doom sets in as I wonder how on earth I ever allowed myself leave the house looking like this. Hugemongo. I mean my boobs which are huge anyways are now a uni-boob. And they look like they are touching my knees, my ass literally expanded by 4 inches, and this shirt, I swear to you now it will be burned by this afternoon! It’s not the first time that this has happened to me and I usually try to avoid all mirrors during the rest of the day so that I don’t run into this harsh reality check. But I messed up. I got careless. And now I am sinking into what is inevitable self consciousness. It feels pretty crap. It’s really sad because I am wearing my new and totally Fab burnt orange strappy sandals and just to be crazy and stylish threw in my new mustard yellow leather purse. Now they seem deflated like I’m just a fat girl with great accessories. Weight Watchers…..why aren’t you working faster for me? I am paying you great money and yet I don’t get advice or counseling when I come in with yet another week of your “looks like you didn’t lose anything this week" comments. Instead I get “Don’t worry about it, keep trying you’ll do better?” WHAT? Are they crazy? Don’t worry about it? I am working my ass off (not literally obviously) to lose some weight here and you don’t want me to worry about it? PA-LEASE!! I have been the exact same weight for 5 weeks in a row now. The only time I lost weight in that time period was a week ago when I lost 1 pound that I had gained the week before. I will tell you all something. I will prevail. I will win this battle. I will exercise longer and eat even less (although I may get to the lightheaded stage if I reduce more) it doesn’t matter I will achieve what I want. I will continue to walk through the fires of hell and starvation to reach my triumphant moment. If you are fat girl you should join me…FAT GIRLS UNITE!
P.S if you still want my cursed magic mirror you can get one at Wal-Mart for like $8.00, its full length, but I’ve warned you of the hazards.